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July 2024 | April 2024 | March 2024 | February 2024 | January 2024 | December 2023 | November 2023 | October 2023So this will be my blog/journal. I probably won't write much though. It'll just be life updates that aren't extremely personal. I do have an actual handwritten journal but I will not post any of the entires from there on here, unless (again) they aren't that personal.
07/15 Been a bit. Lots of stuff has happened.
For starters, I got my first job! I'm pretty proud of myself that I'm finally making money of my own now. It also helps with summer boredom that I often get because I can never find enough stuff to occupy my time.
I also got a car! I didn't buy it, a family member did, and that was really nice of them. It's toyota corolla. The reason I wanted one of these cars is that I've heard they're pretty reliable and for a tiny 5'2" person like me, it's pretty comfy. I'm glad that I have a car now because it makes my life easier. I can get to work without having to rely on other people, and I have more freedom. I'm gonna feel so cool driving to school in August with this thing lmao.
One bad thing: a family member of mine died in May. I was pretty bummed out for a couple weeks, but now I've gotten over it. I wasn't extremely close with them, but I still talked to them a few times a month and they always enjoyed seeing me. It hit pretty hard. I cried a few times for 2 weeks after, but I'm better now.
But yeah, other than those three, life hasn't changed much.
04/28 I haven't written here in a while and a lot has happened.
For starters, I got my drivers license. I don't have a car yet however, so I plan to get a job during the summer (I did not get the job I applied for in March) and save up for one.
Also, I've taken the ACT. I got a 25, which is barely above average, but it's better than my practice score of 19 (took the practice in October).
I visited a university and won something, which got me invited to a national conference which I will unfortunately not be able to go becasue I don't have enough money.
My life is still the same as it always has been though.
03/03 Today is a small step in a big direction: I applied for my first job! If they actually bring me in for an interview I think I'll shit my pants (joking). Anyway, I'm excited to make some money because I want to save for the future.
03/02 Happy March (not really). March is my least favorite month of the year due to the fact that I always feel strange, like always on the brink of change that I didn't consent to. One foot in something, one foot out the other. I'm always confused and frazzled in March, but I am happy that the days are getting warmer and longer. Soon I'll be able to take walks outside again, which I really like.
02/06 Ever since I've stopped using social media as much, I've noticed a change within myself. I've noticed that I'm not as stressed, bogged down, and generally more relaxed. I've been spending my time doing my hobbies and doing my school work, which has led me to being more productive. I think it was a great decision to set a time limit on my social media apps and not use them as much. Eventually, I hope to not have those apps on my phone at all and limit my access to them to only the computer, as I don't scroll endlessly when on my laptop. I enjoy it and I encourage everyone reading this to do the same. The internet genuinely makes me feel like total dogshit and I hope to use it minimally (except spotify because music is amazing).
01/23 For the past few days I've been trying to cutback on my pinterest and reddit use because I've been spending way too much time on social media (especially those ones), and it's annoying me on how much time I waste on there. I've set a 2 hour time limit for both reddit and pinterest together for each day, and I uninstalled a lot of apps that I didn't want to keep on my phone. I'm trying to spend my time on hobbies and school work instead of social media, and I can confidentally say that I feel way better. I still watch YouTube, but I don't watch the shorts and I don't watch content that's made purely to make me pissed off. I'm enjoying this change, as I can update this website more!
I also try staying off of it anytime I get bored. When I have nothing to do, instead of immediately getting my phone, I'm trying to be in tune with my environment and living in the moment. I like it. I hope that by doing this I'll have more time for things I actually enjoy doing and regain my attention span.
12/27 It's been December for a while and it's soon to be January, which means a new year is on the horizon. I want to use this entry to share my Christmas presents I got the other day. I got a lot of cool ones. One of the teachers at my school actually nominated me to get a gigantic trash bag of gifts, so that was really cool.
11/02 Now it's November, a month that I have some opinions on. Overall it's one of the better months, at least it isn't March, or godforbid April (I really hate April). Used to be a time of joyfulness as I realized the holiday season was nearing, but now I feel nothing. Could this be a byproduct of just growing up? Perhaps, I'm not sure. Anyways, November is definitely one of the better months. It's also a pretty month to say. A big win for it is that it's nearing the end of the year. The last few months of the year are always better. The first few months are just depressing in my experience.
Anyway, today I first listened to the album "Strangeways, Here We Come" by The Smiths. I'll talk more of my opinion on my music section, but I just have to say that an album hasn't hooked me in like this in a long time, not even The Queen Is Dead. I think I like it better than that one. I like Death of a Disco Dancer the most, but I gotta say that the lyrics for Unhappy Birthday are just straight up out of pocket.
I have a splitting headache right now, which is a result of my sickness I've been having. I don't know what I'm sick with, but all I know is that it's messed with my senses a little. My head constantly hurts and I always feel "out of my body". Interesting.
I wish I could write good lyrics or poetry, to really describe how things are in a nice way. I just think it'd be nice to fully hone in my likeness for writing so that people except my english teacher would actually like it.
10/29 Hello again! It's been 11 days, but that's because I have been busy doing other things. Anyway I've been feeling sick the past few days :(. Just constant congestion, coughing, sneezing, and a bad headache. I don't know if I'm heading to school tomorrow. I kinda wish that I'll get just slightly worse so I won't have to go tomorrow, but then that also sucks because on Tuesday I have to take the ACT practice test, and if I'm not well enough to go, I don't know if I can make it up. Shitty I know.
10/18 So here's the thing: lately I've been obsessed with US presidents. I spend my days scrolling r/presidents and wanting to learn more. Let's just say that this is an interesting topic to me.
Anyway, the other day I watched a nearly two hour long video on 14th president Franklin Pierce. At the end of the video, the guy plugs in a book he wrote like 10 years ago called "The President In The Bathroom" where the premise is: a man get's visited by the ghost of Franklin Pierce, in the bathroom. When I heard this, I laughed my ass off. The storyline is so goddamn stupid. I need to find this book. I swear if I find it, I'll rate it.
Also in my honest opinion, computers have got to be the superior form of technology. I know that phones are also technically computers, but you know what I mean. The laptops, desktops, those sorts of things. Man going on my laptop is super satisfying. It actually makes me feel like I'm getting shit done, even though I'm only browsing pinterest. Can we just talk about how much easier it is to navigate things on a computer too? Everything is just easier to do. I can type things faster, I can have more things open without my device having a seizure, I can do things here that I can't do on my phone, etc. It's just amazing. I love my computer. Only negatives I can think of are that it takes longer to load things on, and they're not as portable. Right now I have a laptop which I love, but when I can get my own place I think I'll just get a desktop for funsies.
10/12 Today has been really, extremely mid. Borderline kinda miserable, but not miserable enough to call it an official "bad day". The thing: I just feel like shit all the time, no matter what. I'm always tired even when I get enough deep sleep (I pretty much pass out most nights) and it's just AAAAAAAAAA. Not to mention the fact that I struggle with an issue that's been plaguing me since I was 12. I would like to give it a name, but since I can't get any diagnosis, I'm hesitant to give it any. The closest contender would be "dysthymia" but again, since I don't want to appear to fake a mental illness, I just call it "the blues". It doesn't sound as bad that way.
I don't know why, but I randomly get pangs of extreme longing, emptiness, and hopelessness. I'm also extremely lonely. I have pondered for a few years on how this could have happened. I've had a major depressive episode that lasted for a year and a half that hoenstly I didn't expect to still be alive. But I think I've finally gotten to a root cause: a thyroid disorder. It runs in the family, and I think I most likely have it. My hormones are fucked up. I eat constantly but am never really satisfied, I'm tired all the time, and I struggle with "the blues". I think I could be a likely contender for this. Problem: I've mentioned to my mom that I want to get a thyroid test but she doesn't think I need one. So basically, I'll be struggling with this shit until I'm able to get help myself. And that's another hopeless thing.
See here's the thing: I'm good at some things. I'm good at school, I'm considered smart, but this won't help whatever the hell I'm experiencing. I've never felt more lonely in my whole life. Holy shit why the fuck can't I make normal human connection??
That's the other thing: I feel socially handicaped. I can talk just fine, but I can't seem to form any meaningful social relationships. It always stops at acquantances. I just want an actual friend, someone to be by my side. But I feel I'll never reach it as I'm just too out of the loop with things. I don't talk like my peers do, I can't relate to them. I try so hard to just try to talk to them, but I find it difficult. I want to talk, but I can't stand the thought of annoying people with my very presence, so I don't. I've been like this since 12. I don't know what the fuck happened that year, but it seems that's when all my problems started. I just want to be left alone.
10/05 Lately I've been learning to drive. It's been alright. I got my learners permit in early September. I'm now driving on main business roads, as I've gotten good at parking lots and residential areas. Today was my first time on the actual road and I did pretty good! I'm proud of myself :)